To the one I love...

When I met you... my life was a cluster fuck of disaster. I didn't believe in a happily ever after. And you were not the one I was chasing after. But you took the time to see the real me. You listened to all the drama and you took the time to learn. You gave me a chance to fly but instead of leaving my heart started to burn. And everyday I grew closer to you and more and more I saw... that the one I thought I wanted... wasn't the one I wanted at all. It took time for me to see the things in you that you saw in me. But once I opened my eyes... I was really surprised. Really excited every time the sun would rise because my day would always be filled with you. And you always came through. You literally did all the things that nobody else would do. And slowly you opened my heart being careful to avoid the stitches from where it had been torn apart... and you healed my heart... even though you didn't see that the good in you healed the bad in me. I could never have asked for a more perfect woman... never have created a more amazing wife... never have imagined... that all this happiness could have ever entered my life. I can't imagine life without you... I just want to let you know... that now that I found you... I would never let you go. So here's to slow burning love and never quenching desire... here's to the woman I love who has always set my heart on fire.

The beginning...

So, a little bit about myself. My name is Jessica. But my fiance lovingly calls me The Peacock. She says that is because of my swagger. I am 27 years old. And I have OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is no joke. Now, you are probably thinking of a True Life episode on MTV or maybe even an episode of Obsessed on A&E. But, my OCD isn't glamorous and has sadly, not jump started a television career. Though it would be nice. Lets see... I suppose I have always had OCD in some way though I would never admit it. I lead a normal life, with a normal job. I am pretty good at hiding it altogether from most people. I get comments at work like "oh you must have OCD because you're so organized." But in reality those people don't know the actual truth. OCD isn't about being organized or liking to have things clean. It is about needing to have things organized and clean. Wondering if your teeth are falling out and trying to shake them to see if they are loose even though you have only had one cavity in your entire life. Making sure that you go to the bathroom right before you leave the house because of the fear of having to go into a public restroom. It is about picking at a scar until it bleeds and gets infected and you have had it for 2 months because you simply can't leave it alone. Well, that is what my OCD experience has been thus far at least. Oh, so glamorous... right? And somehow writing it down here I even think to myself that it is a little much. A little too dramatic... a little too ridiculous. But alas, it is always with me. My OCD is like that toxic friend that we have all had at one time or another. You feel comfort and complete fear at the same time. People say to me "why not just take medicine." An all to easy solution. But I have lived with all of this for so long that the thought of just medicating it away feels scary. So this is my starting point. This is where I start to realize my OCD. Where I start to understand my OCD. And where ultimately I hope to rid myself of my OCD.